PART 29: EDEN

April 2021, Melbourne

So, I'm sitting down to record this as I wait for the sun to set. Like I'm literally sitting at my window, waiting for the sun to set because it is Ramadan, and I am partaking. So, I've been fasting all day and I'm hungry. So, I'll break my fast when the sun sets and then I'll start getting ready for work. It'll be my first shift during Ramadan. It's also my first shift in like a week and a half just because I've been feeling not too great mentally with everything going on politically and socially, as far as like the racism and misogyny that is so prevalent. I think it's just difficult to exist and be happy as both a woman and a person of colour, and also a sex worker.

Like it’s just a lot.

So, I haven't been going to work and in turn, not really having any kind of structure, or routine has fed into me kind of feeling like crap.

This weekend, I've rostered three shifts and I'm going to make a serious attempt at having a routine and going to work and doing the stuff that even though I know I don't want to do, I know it’s what's going to help me. I'm sure that actually sitting down and recording regular little audio journals is going to help me hold some kind of accountability to that. So, I'm grateful.

But yeah, Ramadan's been a struggle but also very eye opening and positive. Because of Ramadan, I've been putting a lot more of a focus on practicing sobriety and abstaining from drugs. But as an addict, I have, of course, been struggling with that also. That's also why I haven't gone to work.

I think I just haven't had energy and I've just been hiding in bed. I don't want to be put in situations where I will be annoyed at someone's uneducated opinion on the stuff going on in the world or I'm going to get offered drugs. I just want to avoid all that. But, that being said, I can't just hide in my room and waste away.

So, work this weekend, I'll do an NA meeting tomorrow, and just kind of vibe. I'm really just so quick to be pessimistic, when every time I open my phone, there is some kind of injustice happening in the world. It just fucking makes me so sad. I know that ultimately, it's going to happen, shit stuff is going to happen. I can't really do anything outside of my control. I can just make the changes that I'm able to do and pray. But my mind can be so idealistic at times. I just need to pull myself back down and be more realistic with my expectations, especially with other people, especially with white men, which is predominantly my clientele at work.

Yeah, it'll be okay. I have been considering maybe taking a break. Just because full service is so draining and requires mental strengths that I don't have at the moment. Maybe going back to the strip club for a little while but there are dilemmas in that as well. So, I will consider it and I'm sure I'll update you guys at some point down the track. But for the moment, I'm going to go to work this weekend. I'm going to stay positive. I'm going to stay sober. I will come back and let you guys know how it goes for me. I don't know. I'll just pray until then. And try and manifest some nice clients for myself tonight. Because I could really use it, it'll be good to see my coworkers and friends as well. So, yay for that.

Yeah.