PART 30: BILLIE

April 2021, Regional NSW

So I can say with some conviction that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm in a good space. You know, my head feels really good. I don't know if I'm just having a really good day and if I'm jumping the gun on saying that I'm doing well, but it feels like I'm doing well. I haven't felt this way for a while. You know, for the past, however long, my mental health has been slipping out of my hands so much. But, today it feels like I have a hold on everything. And it's really good.

I got a house. I think the biggest thing for me that's contributing to my feelings of well-being is that I got a fucking house. It was the most seamless process that's ever happened for me. My real estate agent got me approved for this house and my dogs approved which is so hard to do. She got me and my dogs approved for this tacky, daggy, charming three bedroom, two bathroom house. You know, it's got brown shag pile carpet, every wall has floral wallpaper. It's daggy as fuck. It looks like a movie still from the film The Castle, but I love it. It's $10 a week less than what I'm paying now and that is just so comforting. So it's a really quick process where I got approved on Monday and then within 10 days from Monday, I'm moving out of my house and into the new one. So it's really quick, it's really rushed. But, it feels so good.

I'm just so glad I went up to the coast and made a bit of extra money. So that way I can take this week off work, like the coming week, as I'm moving. I feel secure. Like I went up to the coast for three days and, it wasn't as busy as it usually is, but I still came back with two grand. That's going to pay for the bond and my rent on the new house. And oh my god, it's just so relieving. The time up the coast was really good. I had lovely clients. I locked down some really good friendships with the girls. Like at my home brothel, we're all such good friends. Lots of us, not all of us, but lots of us, hang out outside of work. We all throw each other birthday parties, we all give a real shit about each other. Whereas up there, I'm there so rarely that I don't really lock in good friendships. But this time I've made some really beautiful working friendships.

Not to like blow smoke up my own ass but I think because I've been working there a little bit longer than some of the other girls have. It's been really nice. When they've like invited me into this friendship group by making me feel important and by asking me questions about the industry. And you know, when a new girl starts, they'll get me to, like, show her around. It was nice to have that role. I think that's how I feel most important and feel most wanted. Well, that's how I get a sense of belonging, I think, by feeling a bit wanted and integrated. It was really nice.

Then I came back home to my brothel. It's just so nice hanging out with my boss. This really cool thing happened yesterday, where, so when it's quiet, there's never more than five of us on a shift. My boss makes it that way. So that way, no one leaves without a job, hopefully. And yesterday was one of those days where, you know, it was really quiet. Everyone is really mindful of when it's quiet for each other. Where, you know, no one really gets six jobs and someone gets none. Everyone tries to balance it out as much as they can by like, stepping back in intros. Stuff like that. Trying to make bookings a double.

Oh my god. Yesterday, I had this client who was this beautiful man from Italy, from this little village near Venice. And he's a chef, and I'm not a qualified chef or anything, but I'm a really good cook. I can’t cook in restaurants. I'm not a really good cook. Actually, that's probably up for debate. But I can cook and oh my god, we had such a nice time where he like rekindled this love of food for me. I think, you know, if I'd had this conversation when I was really like struggling for positivity a few weeks ago I would have really rolled my eyes at it and not let it sink in. But today, I'm feeling so starry eyed, and happy and just feeling like fucking capable. I feel capable, which is something that eludes me a lot, you know. So, things are good right now, and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling good. Let's see how long that lasts though.