PART 31: EDEN

April 2021, Melbourne

So, I was doing really well with work until I just called up and cancelled tonight. But I have been doing really well and keeping a routine last week. Not only with work but with Ramadan and self-care and being good to myself. But as per usual in my life, when I focus on one part of my life and try to find balance, specifically in that aspect, it tends to throw the balance off in my entire life because I've been neglecting other parts of my life.

Unfortunately, while I've been focusing on my mental health and work and routine, my personal relationships have taken a bit of a blow. So, I've just called work off so that I can focus some energy tonight on specifically one relationship that has just been progressively getting worse. I have been neglecting it to focus on other parts of my life, but also, the individual has just not been to standard.

So, I hope that will go well.

I think, in the last couple of years, I've gotten a lot better at managing my relationships, because I've been doing a lot of self-growth and therapy and stuff like that. I just, like, realised that the people that I keep around me need to reflect my goals, and you know, what I want in myself. If the people around me don't reflect that, then I need to reorganise the people around me. At least that's how I've been approaching it. It's been working well for me.

I'm going to sit down with this person tonight, I hope, and just be like, ‘Look, this isn't what I expect in a relationship. This isn't what I want in a relationship. And if you're not willing to give me what I want, need and require, then adios’. Maybe not ‘adios’, but like, but you won't be seeing as much of me and I will start giving you what you give me because I like reciprocation. If I can't be reciprocated, then I won’t just lower my standard to what you're giving me instead.

I don't know if that's petty.

I'll speak to my therapist about it. But yeah, I think the more that I realised what I want for myself, the higher my standards become for the people around me. And, if they don't meet those standards and aren't willing to work to meet those standards, then I have very low patience for them, unfortunately. So, I’ll have a conversation tonight.

Aside from that, work is going well. Routine is going well. My mental health is going well. My home life is alright. I live with my brother and a housemate, and I think with shared living, there's always going to be, you know, good times and bad times. It's a good time at the moment, no one's really having any issues. My housemate is out of town. So, I’ve actually had the house alone to myself quite a bit, which has been nice for my own self-pace. I've just been having a lot of baths and reading heaps.

I started a book club with my friend, which has a hilariously funny name that I refuse to tell anyone who isn't in the book club out of fear that they will steal the name. So next week, I'm going to meet up with them and have a little book chat because I'm trying to read one book a month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is a lot for me. I've been struggling to read lately, just because of depression. It's hard to focus. At the moment, I'm reading a very good book, and I'm excited to finish it and chat to her next week about it. Other than that, yeah, I'll be working this weekend, despite taking work off tonight.

I hope that work this weekend will be as good as it was last weekend so I'm able to keep up this kind of routine. I think when work is good, it's easy to go but when work is bad it's harder to go, obviously. It's even more of a struggle because you are your own boss. So, you have no one saying, ‘hey, you need to come’. But yeah, I'll be in tomorrow night and the night after and the night after that and I’ll see how I go. But until then, I'm just going to focus on my emotional relationships and try and get that balance back that I accidentally threw off by trying to seek balance. Learnt my lesson there. So yeah, wish me luck. I guess. It'll be fine. It'll be so fine. Yeah.