PART 14: VIOLET

February 2020, Sydney

Okay so, considering this is my last recording, I actually prepared some show notes whereas usually I will just monologue with whatever comes to my mind which sometimes kind of cohesive. But this time I have come prepared. So I worked today which was really good because I can talk about currently work rather than being like “I didn’t go” “I left early”. Well I did leave early but to go to TMS not because I did terribly. I did make money today which is always a pleasant thing to be able to say when you’re playing the game of chance that is parlour work.

I had this client today who I couldn’t get that good a read on personality wise. He seemed fine but then I got into the room with him. And you know when you can just tell that they are unwashed or they haven’t put a lot of effort in to showering? And it’s like great I’ll just astral project my way out of this situation, whatever. But a lot of clients I’m fine with them touching me. Touching my pussy is extra. But my body in general I’m fine with that. I love being able to scam a back rub out of clients it helps pass the time in a much more pleasant way.

But this guy, he was touching my lower stomach and at first I tried to just cop it – I’m really ticklish on my lower stomach, it feels really yuck for me. I fucking hate it. There have been a few times where clients have done it to the point where I’m like,  “Oh that feels really ticklish, can we not do that”. Or I don’t even need to say, “please don’t” I just say, “I’m really ticklish” and they are like “oh I’m sorry” and move to a different part of my body. But this guy was doing it and I was like “I’m really ticklish can we sort of avoid that area” and he was like “oh yeah that’s fine whatever” but as the time progressed he just kept gravitating back to that spot on my stomach.

At first I told him and he was like “oh yeah” and the second time I reminded him and was like “It feels really weird for me” because I try not to come on too red hot, like I will move back or do a little giggle, I hate even having to think about myself playing that subservient role. He was like “It’s kind of cute though, your reaction”. So just fully disrespected my boundaries for his enjoyment and he went to do it again. I was like, “Seriously please can you stop. I don’t like how it feels”. I had to be firm with him. And he was the one who got upset by it and then he took fucking ages to nut after that and I think it was basically because he didn’t get his way and he was turned off by it, by me being assertive. I was like “Fuck this, I hate it”.

So, I got him out and… I think I talked about this last clip but I’m just getting over it and I want to get out, not immediately. But I want a contingency plan. I want to be working towards something and I’m not doing that right no. I feel like I’m kind of just spinning my wheels and not taking any initiative and I need to do that. So I’ve been looking at going back to study and starting a diploma or something like that. Something easy to kind of dip my toe in. To do part time feel like I have light at the end of the tunnel I guess. I never really imagined myself to be a sex worker for, 8 years now, without having a goal in mind or being close to completing some kind of study.

I think I’ve gotten really overwhelmed by the emergence of having psychotic bipolar and my adulthood has been spent chasing my tail trying to improve my condition with that. I’m hoping I’m getting there with this TMS. It’s been good, it’s been fine. It’s a really strange feeling having an electro-magnetic pulse fired into your brain. But today was my 7th session. It seems to be triggering a lot of really bad, visceral, physical anxiety within me. It’s really kicked up a notch since I started it but according to my psychiatrist, my neuros are very excitable so it’s not a surprise I’m reacting with sensitivity because that’s just what my brain is like. He tells me is common in creatives and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. People are just sort of hard wired that way. It just leads to them being more emotional. And boy, I sure am. So hopefully, that will settle.

It’s going well. The sessions are like two and a half minutes. I kind of sit there and watch the big screen telling me how long I have to go until a session is done. It’s nice to be seeing my nurse five days a week again because he’s really great. But I also think having nothing to do, nothing aside from work and being at home, I think that’s kicking up my anxiety. At the moment, all my roads are leading to a bit of a shake up and bit of a life change. My Saturn returns starts in March so maybe this is what it is. If the stars mandate it maybe it’s time.

I saw my regular private client on Sunday, yesterday, and that was nice. He bought a rosé that we’re both particularly fond of and shot the breeze. He’s really nice, he’s my silver lining in terms of work. Even if I do pivot away to something else, in terms of work, I’ll always keep him on as a client. My little side dude. Aside from that not much is really going on.

My parents, this seems like a big deviation, my parents own a distillery up in rural NSW where I went over Christmas. There’s a seminar tomorrow in Sydney for yeast that they use in their fermentation process. They buy yeast from the people doing this seminar and I’m going on behalf of them. So that’s my day tomorrow, I’m learning about yeast and then I have TMS in the evening and I’m back to work on Wednesday night and I guess the future stretches broadly ahead.