PART 13: RUBY

February 2020, Melbourne

So it's been a while since I recorded an Audio Diary. I think it's been about 10 days. So unfortunately, I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job that I was going for, which was, I won't lie, it was quite upsetting. I put a lot of work into the application. I really thought I had a shot. It came down to me and one other person. And yeah. So it's just really upsetting.

The night before, so like two nights ago, one of my friends posted something on Instagram and in the photo, it seemed like they'd been crying. So, I just checked in with them to see if they were okay. And they messaged me back and essentially, they weren’t okay. Something like quite deeply traumatic had happened to them, which I don't really feel like comfortable talking about in this because it's just not my story to tell. But something quite traumatic had happened to them.

This was the night before the interview. So, I quickly went over to their house on the Wednesday night just to spend time with them and let them know that I was for them. And they went through some like very vivid details of what had happened in this situation. I was there quite late. And then, yeah, the next morning, I had the interview. So, yeah, things escalated really drastically. It was very emotionally draining. And I came home got hardly any sleep. Then I went to the interview in the morning.

Look, I don't know if that makes any difference with why I didn't get the job or how I went in the interview. But like, at the end of the day, I was not in an okay place when I did that interview, and I didn't get the job. And it's so funny because I got this call yesterday, right. And I got it like, as I was walking into my like mid-candidature milestone for my PhD. I was like, actually quite distraught and I had to just be okay. I needed, to my mind, to appear like professional and not like, like a mess, like I realistically was. So, I did my milestone and I passed, which was just fantastic and I'm really happy about that. But it was all dulled by the fact that I didn't get this job.

At this moment, essentially, exactly what I said was going to happen is happening. Like, I don't want to go back to the club. I owe so much to the club. I really do, and I really love it. But like, I feel like I'm ready to get out of it. I don't know really what to do with that. Because I feel like I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like unless a really good opportunity comes up, I can't see me leaving the club.

So I guess for now I'm just going to keep working and I'm going to see how this weekend goes.