PART 34: EDEN

April 2021, Melbourne

Here I am waiting to break fast again. It's been two weeks. Two weeks to go. I'm feeling good. I did honestly have a bit of a like, cry and a meltdown.

After I had that conversation with that romantic partner about how I was feeling, it didn't go so great. I don't think there will be a romantic relationship with that individual anymore. Realistically, if someone can't value my emotions, the way I need them to be valued, I know they can't meet my needs in a romantic relationship. That's just it.

So yeah, I've been a bit emotional about that, which has made fasting even harder, because when I'm crying, I just want to eat my feelings. I've been good, though. Honestly, it's been a good way to ground myself.

I think that's the whole point of fasting, like your brain doesn't work as great when you don't eat, or at least mine doesn't. So, I'm forced to just kind of think about things a little bit harder. Yeah, it brings you back to your humanity. So that's cool. But I do want to eat my feelings. On top of that, I have realized over the last two weeks that there's no way I can get ready for work or really do anything properly until I eat. So, I’ve got until about 5pm, which it is now. And I just start sitting at the window waiting for the sun to set because I need to do stuff. But I can't do stuff until I eat because my brain doesn't work.

But yeah, it's good. It's good. Two weeks in, we’re good. Honestly, I'm excited to go to work tonight. I'm surprised by myself because normally when I'm going through it, emotionally, I would just avoid work completely. I am still trying to keep a routine. So, I'm surprising myself that I'm still going to work.

But in reality, I think it’s one of the silver linings of me having this little emotional breakdown and ending things with this guy. Because I called up work the other night, because I was crying so much I needed to change my start time. So, I called work up and told them I needed to change my start time and they were so cool with that just because I sounded sad. I told them a little bit, just that I’m going through it with a guy and I needed to just calm myself. And when I got there, both managers on duty met me with hugs and told me that if I needed someone to talk to, both of them were available. It was really, really sweet. And like it's just such a drastic difference in comparison to my last Brothel because my last Brothel was so toxic, and not a safe space for me to be when I'm not mentally okay.

So, it's just so nice to know that I am going to have a good night at work, whether I make good money or not, because I'm going to be in a space with people that care. It's not even just the managers that care but like the workers, they're all super supportive and loving and super friendly. Some of them I've become friends with outside of work and I've been there not even two months. Yeah.  I just feel like, I don't know, it's a really good space for me to be in and I'm excited to go tonight.

Yeah, I don't know. It's super weird to not be just, in this messed up state. Because normally when I'm going through like, some kind of breakup or ending stuff with a romantic partner, I will be a mess to the point where I won't leave bed for like a week. I don't handle heartbreak well. But this time it's different. And I'm going out and seeing people and like, leaving bed and doing stuff despite the fact that I'm fasting.

I'm very grateful. I'm very excited to be doing better than I was the last time I went through a breakup.

Yeah, it's just nice to have that kind of realisation of growth.

I guess we'll see how it goes this week. Honestly, part of why I'm able to be okay with all of this is because like the guy that I'm ending things with has been super accepting of the fact that like, he's just not meeting the standard. So, I'm hoping things stay that way. But we'll see. We shall see. Yeah, that's all I have to say.