PART 11: VIOLET

February 2020, Sydney

I have had a reasonably decent week at work this week. Which is a pleasant way to start this when all I’ve been doing is bitching about how quiet work is and my lack of motivation to go and sooking about my relationship. So, to be able to start of saying something positive is refreshing for me, and no doubt, for you also. But this week has been pretty good.

I worked on Wednesday night. It was my first night shift of the year. I did leave early but only half an hour early, which I figure is pretty good. I did nearly leave earlier because it was quite quiet and then, at what was literally the 11th hour, I got a booking. There is a new receptionist on and she’s doing a pretty B-grade job of dealing with stuff at the moment. Which is fine, whatever, she’ll learn. But we run a really tight ship at the place that I work at, so you can really tell one someone is in training or dropping the ball. But, anyway, she took a booking for me at 10.30pm.

I was so annoyed. It was with a guy whose name I didn’t recognise, and she didn’t ask him if he’d seen me before, and he called on a private number so there was no way for them to check. So, I was like great, fucking great, I have to spend my last hour at work running behind time with someone who is probably a fucking weirdo. But he comes in and it’s this client who I ADORE! Who I haven’t seen in over a year. He’s like 35, he is just the most humble, sweet, kind, generous, easy going guy. You couldn’t dream up a better client. We’d been seeing each other for a year and then there was a year break where I didn’t see him. So that was how I ended my night on Wednesday.

I had my regular private client on Thursday and he brought a really nice bottle of rosé and I got a little drunk and that was easy. He always messages me afterwards saying, “It was so nice to see you” or follow up on something I’ve said and say “hey, I really appreciate you telling me that, sorry I didn’t give that enough credence”. He’s just also a really nice guy.

Today is Saturday. Saturdays are usually a really good day for me but it was a full shift and I went in with no expectations. But every intro I did, I got. And then I had a booking with another one of my long-term regulars who is this funny twenty year old Taurus. And I know he’s a Taurus because I am and our birthdays are really close together. He was the last one I saw today. It was nice. This week of work has been really great for me and very heartening in terms of my willingness to get back into work and making some money and feeling like I’m worthy as a sex worker. Which is something I’ve been struggling with recently, self-esteem generally and the obviously that bleeds over into work when your bankable assets are being attractive, and engaging, and nice, and fun to be around. So that’s good.

I’m meant to be working tomorrow but the jury is still out on that one. I feel like it might be a little bit too much. I’ll see. Harry, my boyfriend…my ex, said a whole bunch of stuff to me last Friday that really profoundly hurt me, then turned around after four days and was like “Oh actually now I want to get back with you”. And I was like “Well now I don’t know if I want to get back with you, anymore”. Don’t just sidle back into my life and assume I’m just on ice and you’re going to find me how you left me. I’ve spent the last week naturalising to the idea of singledom and making peace with it and thinking about what life will look like as a single woman. And being stoked about it. And now I really don’t know what to do to be honest with you. I’m really bad at asserting boundaries and expressing my own unhappiness. I’m more comfortable in my own discomfort so i’m going to have to learn to push past that.

I’m starting TMS, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation on Thursday to try help with this depression that’s been lingering and seemingly untreatable with medication. So, I’m really hopeful and looking forward to that. Work is good. I just don’t want that fucking up and gumming up the rest of the works. But aside from that, this is a reasonably positive entry.