PART 6: VIOLET

January 2020, Sydney

I don’t know if the wind is going to be audible, but it’s fucking awful and it’s 39 degrees in Sydney. I’m sitting here on my bed, absolutely sweltering. When I could have been at work sitting in the aircon, but due to my recent breakup, I took myself off the roster. A very classic move by me. And now I see, potentially to my detriment. I worked yesterday, and I hate admitting this, I hate having days like this, but I ended up leaving at 3pm because it was so quiet. And I was like fuck, I don’t think I’m going to make any money and I’d rather be at home. So I came home and sooked for a while.

It took Harry and I two days of being split up before he came over and spent the night. Which I know is so unhealthy. And the only thing that’s getting me through without having a full fucking melt down, is that he is still very much in my life. It’s just so counterproductive, with what we are trying to achieve, which is to extricate ourselves form each other’s lives and find partners who meet our needs. I can just imagine this going on for absolute years. And it’s so dumb. And I normally have more sense than this. But I think because this is a split, not due to a lack of love, but due to a lack of compatibility, that’s making it way more different.

But, to my credit, I haven’t been drinking at home alone, which is a very hot button issue of mine. I kind of had this revelation, where I realised, I can’t just keep partying and bendering on the weekend and getting drunk at home alone at 29. If for no other reason, I need to consider the fact that it is going to catch up with me sooner rather than later and age me. I’m not paying $500 for Botox every four months to actively work against my best interests.

I’m back at work tomorrow, I’m going to force myself to go. To be fair, todays shift I switched it to Saturday which is better for me because there’s less girls on and I should have my private regular next Thursday which is good, guaranteed money. So I guess I’ve got that. I think if I stop doing so much fucking rack I will find that, financially, I will be in a much better position. I’m not stupid, I know that is a big contributing factor. It’s kind of stupid. It’s therapy and coke that are draining most of my finances and I feel like the two are actively working against each other. Or at least the partying is actively working against the therapy. But I’m hoping as time goes on, I will learn healthier coping skills.

As it stands right now, I would categorise myself as situationally depressed and generally depressed. I think that’s exacerbating the situational depression. So, I’m sitting here on my unmade bed at 1pm watching the tennis. And I think that’s all I’m going to be doing all day. God! Everything I’ve been talking about recently has been so grim, and barley work related. I apologise. My life isn’t usually this much of an absolute, significant bummer. I’ll pull it together. It’s summer. I’ve got to get out and be happy. I’ve got great friends and a good sister. I know what I want in life it’s just really hard to take the next step in achieving it because I do love a good self-sabotage.

I have a financial goal to make before my birthday in May, so I think my next main-focus will be making a concerted effort to reach that. And that is what is happening today.