PART 39: NOAH

May 2021, Melbourne

It's a Thursday and this was supposed to be done maybe, like, two months ago. But I freaked out and I didn't know how to navigate it. I am currently recovering from being sick, for like a week, I'm still kind of sick. I took two weeks off work because I was sick. I took the first week off because I just couldn't fucking do it anymore. I was really burnt out.

The brothel that I was working at was really hectic when I was there for the last month and I just needed to get away from it for a minute. So now, I'm going back on Saturday and Sunday, which is kind of making me nervous, for some reason. I think having two weeks off and realising how nice it is to not be there, has really screwed with me.

This past week has been pretty fucking hectic considering everything that's been on social media about Palestine and the Middle East and Israel. It has been really screwing with me. I'm trying to get through. I guess I'm fine for the most part.

I'm currently also working on this zine that I've been working on for the last like two months. Apart from random check ins, I feel like I haven't done anything in the last month for it. Which is really strange, because I feel like I've put in a lot of work, but I haven't. I just recently messaged everyone involved saying it would be really nice for people to maybe get me their stuff back by the by the 27th of May, which is next week. I feel like that's enough time.

I’ve been doing so much the last couple months. I didn't even realise. It's only been a couple months that I've been pushing myself and doing the absolute most that I could possibly do. I feel like I haven't even really seen my friends. I've seen like a couple people but not in the same way.

Yeah.

Let's say, this is me rambling. I don't know. I'm pretty stressed out actually. Now that I'm taking a minute and breathing through it. My partner is sick as well. I’ve had really kind people send us cupcakes and offer to get us groceries and bring us vitamins. So, I guess it's really nice that the community has been actually stepping up to help us, because we've been screwed.

I also went out on the weekend and was so anxiety ridden. I shouldn't have gone out in the first place because I was sick as hell. But I did anyway, because I have the worst FOMO. But I ended up just being so anxious the entire time that I was out. I felt like no one there wanted me there. This was at a fucking club where like half the people didn't even know me. I still felt like everything about it was so scary. I felt like, I swear to God, I went through a bout of paranoia. It was just really nerve racking. I was really stressed. I spoke to a couple of friends after and they said that I had nothing to worry about. I spoke to my partner, and they were like, ‘you have nothing to worry about’. But every time I think about it, I freak out.

I have radio training tomorrow. I'm learning how to use radio equipment and be on the radio.

So, I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow.